Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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