You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
