i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
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