i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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