I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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