ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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