Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
being pregnant is like rehab
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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