Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i think i just lost a toe
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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