I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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