My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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