My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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