Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
