i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
They have beer where we have blood.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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