You really coming over, don't trick.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
