i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
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you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
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FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
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