his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Randomize
