"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
