she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
