I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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