well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm having to shit out rocks
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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