I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
bring money and cleavage
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
