Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
