I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
