My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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