ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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