M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
