Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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