I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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