I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The Olympian is in my bed
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
