I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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