You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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