I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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