I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
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I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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