Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
