remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped