Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.