I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
