I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
