Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
