His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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