need another drink. this is the easiest way
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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