WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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