nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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