My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
