This is not my ceiling
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
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Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
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Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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