I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
