we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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