well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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