Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
