Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
