No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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