Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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