First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
