Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
