New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
