hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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