I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
