Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
